Much has been discussed and written in the specialized literature about “grooming,” the psychological process through which an abuser gradually befriends a minor victim with the ultimate goal of sexually abusing them. As a result of children’s increasing access to the online environment in recent years, online grooming has become one of the most common and insidious forms of risk for children and adolescents. For many adults, the digital world may seem abstract or difficult to control, but for children, it represents a natural space for socializing, exploring, and expressing themselves. In this space, sexual predators have found an environment where they can have unrestricted and hidden access to minors with the intent to abuse them.

What is online grooming?

Online grooming is the process that takes place in the virtual environment through which an adult gradually gains the trust of a child or adolescent with the aim of emotionally manipulating and exploiting them—either sexually or in other ways (control, obtaining images, coercion). It is a slow, step-by-step process, often invisible to adults, through which the abuser builds an intimate, trusting, and secret relationship with the minor, with the ultimate goal of abusing them.

How does online grooming occur?

As with grooming in the physical world, the abuser goes through several stages. These stages are deliberately planned by the abuser, who has a clear motivation and a step-by-step modus operandi:

Identifying and Approaching the Child

Currently, children from a very young age have unrestricted access to the online environment; they either play video games with other participants, have accounts on social media platforms (e.g., Instagram, TikTok), or have access to various chat apps (e.g., Discord, Snapchat). Often, the platforms and chat groups that children have access to are unknown to parents, who are unable to “keep up” with technology. Consequently, parents lack the necessary knowledge and tools to supervise their children online.

In this context, sexual predators make contact with children through a simple message or a friend request. Most often, the predator’s initial approach to the child is friendly and neutral, and they often present themselves as a teenager or as someone with similar interests. Online, children and adolescents satisfy their needs for validation and socialization. Accepting a message or a friend request fulfills these needs for validation and socialization.

Building a Relationship of Trust with the Child

This phase is the “heart” of grooming. The abuser initiates conversations with the minor on topics familiar to the child, depending on the child’s age and interests. For example, the abuser may ask the child questions about family, school, friends, etc. In this way, the abuser gathers personal information about the child (under the guise of genuine interest) and creates a false impression of intimacy and a secret friendship. Children end up revealing information about their family situation, what worries or frightens them, and what hopes or dreams they have, while the abuser listens to them, validates their feelings, asks them questions, and creates the false impression of a genuine friendship.

Normalizing Boundaries and Introducing Intimate Topics

Once a relationship of friendship and intimacy with the child has been established, the abuser gradually begins to test the child’s reactions through: sexually suggestive jokes, discussions about intimate relationships, and intimate questions. Although the child may sense that something is wrong with the type of conversations they are having with the abuser, the false impression of a friendly relationship created with the abuser causes them to become confused or to suppress the feeling that something is amiss with these conversations. The abuser engages in these types of conversations with the child for a certain period of time—long enough for the child to become accustomed to them and for the child’s sense that they are inappropriate or out of place to diminish.

Requesting Intimate Materials or Meetings

Once a relationship of trust has been established with the child and the child has become accustomed to discussions on sexual topics, the abuser can move on to the next stage: they may ask the child to send them videos or photos with sexual content, they may chat via video call, or they may ask the child to meet in person.

Controlling and Maintaining the Relationship

Once the child has met the abuser in person or has sent the abuser videos or photos of themselves naked or in intimate poses, the abuser will use these to maintain the relationship with the child. Often, the abuser will blame the child and make the child feel as though he or she was the one who seduced the abuser. Unable to properly understand the dynamics of the relationship between the victim and the abuser, the child will believe it is his or her fault, will feel shame and guilt, and will avoid by any means revealing the relationship with the abuser, for fear of being criticized.

Given the complexity of the abuser’s actions, in this article we have focused primarily on understanding the phenomenon of online grooming. In a subsequent article, we will address ways for parents to intervene to protect their children from sexual predators in the virtual environment.

Bibliography:

Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology, 2023, Users of Online Child Sexual Abuse Material

Schittenhelm, C., Kops, M., Moosburner, M., et al., 2025, “Cybergrooming Victimization Among Young People: A Systematic Review of Prevalence Rates, Risk Factors, and Outcomes.” Adolescent Res Rev 10, 169–200. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40894-024-00248-w

Article written by Patricia Aramă, clinical psychologist and expert psychologist specializing in the assessment and forensic psychological evaluation of children