Children who have been through traumatic experiences, such as sexual abuse or other forms of violence, can sometimes have strong emotional reactions that are difficult for parents to understand. A child may suddenly become agitated or frightened, start crying for no obvious reason, refuse to speak, or behave aggressively. At other times, they may seem distracted, withdrawn or confused. There are times when a child says they are not feeling well or that they are scared, but cannot explain exactly why. When asked why they are upset, they may often reply ‘I don’t know’ – and genuinely not know.

For parents, these reactions can be unsettling, especially when they occur in situations that seem safe. More often than not, parents try to reassure their child by explaining that there is no danger or by trying to persuade them to calm down. Although these reactions are well-intentioned, they are not always enough. The child may continue to be frightened even when told they are safe.

It is important to realise that these reactions are common in children who have been through traumatic experiences. They do not mean that a child is overreacting or trying to seek attention. In reality, the child does not choose to react in this way. Their body reacts automatically, as if danger were present, even when they are actually safe.

Following a traumatic event, a child’s alarm system may remain highly sensitive. Everyday situations can trigger intense reactions because the child may, without realising it, relive sensations associated with the painful experience. A raised voice, an unexpected touch or a situation in which the child feels judged can trigger a wave of anxiety or emotional distress. At such times, the child does not need explanations or correction, but first and foremost help to calm down and feel safe again. One of the most effective ways for parents to help their child is by using grounding techniques.

Grounding means helping the child reconnect with the present moment and feel safe RIGHT NOW. These methods are simple and can be applied in everyday life. They help the child gradually move from a state of alarm to a state of calm and safety.

Developing emotional regulation skills is essential for the recovery of traumatised children. Before they can talk about experiences that have deeply affected them, children need to feel that their emotions can be tolerated and that there are ways in which they can calm themselves down.

What happens inside a child when they feel overwhelmed

For a traumatised child, intense emotional reactions occur frequently and very suddenly. A parent may feel that the reaction comes out of the blue, but inside the child, the alarm system is being strongly triggered. The child may feel intense tension in their body, their breathing may become faster, and their thoughts may become confused. Sometimes the child may feel as though something bad is about to happen, even if there is no real danger. At other times, a sensation that is difficult to describe may arise, which the child expresses simply by saying they do not feel well. Some children become very agitated at such moments. They move about a lot, speak quickly or may have outbursts of crying or anger. Other children react in the opposite way and become very quiet and withdrawn. They may avoid eye contact or seem as though they are no longer paying attention to what is happening around them.

For the child, these states can be frightening because they occur suddenly and seem difficult to control. The child may feel as though they are losing control over their own reactions and may become even more frightened as a result. Traumatised children need, first and foremost, safety and emotional stabilisation. Stabilisation is an essential prerequisite for recovery. Grounding is one of the simplest and most effective ways in which parents can help to achieve this stabilisation.

Observing the surroundings

One of the simplest ways parents can help their child is to encourage them to observe their surroundings. When a child feels overwhelmed, their attention is often focused on the sensation of danger. Observing their surroundings helps the child gradually return to the present moment.

The parent can speak calmly, inviting the child to look around and describe what they see. The child can be encouraged to observe and describe aloud the objects in the room, the colours or the details around them. Sometimes it is enough for the parent to start describing what they see themselves, so that the child gradually begins to connect with the present moment.

As the child observes the things around them, their attention gradually shifts from the feeling of danger to the reality of the present moment. This shift can reduce tension and help the child to stabilise.

Using the sense of touch

Using the sense of touch can have a powerful stabilising effect on traumatised children. Touching familiar objects helps the child to feel more firmly rooted in the present and to regain a sense of stability.

Many children find comfort in holding a favourite toy or a soft blanket. Other children prefer to squeeze a stress ball or touch a smooth surface. What matters is not the object itself, but the sense of stability it provides. Parents can encourage the child to notice how the object feels in their hand – whether it is soft or hard, warm or cold, smooth or rough. This focus on tactile sensations helps the child connect with the present moment. For some children, simply holding a familiar object in their hand can reduce tension enough for them to gradually calm down.

Connecting with one’s own body

The body plays an essential role in emotional regulation. After trauma, children can sometimes lose their sense of bodily stability and may feel a vague tension or unease that they cannot explain.

By helping the child to become aware of their body, the parent helps them to stabilise. The child can be guided to notice simple sensations, such as their feet touching the floor or their back resting against a chair. Sometimes, simply paying attention to these sensations can reduce tension. The child can be encouraged to press their feet into the floor or push their palms against a solid surface. These simple movements convey a sense of stability and control to the body. For many traumatised children, the body calms down more quickly than their thoughts.

Breathing

Breathing can help a child to calm down, especially when done together with a parent. A child finds it easier to follow the rhythm of an adult’s breathing than verbal instructions.

The parent can breathe slowly and calmly suggest that they breathe together. The slow, steady rhythm gives the child a sense of security. The breaths do not need to be very deep. It is enough for the breathing to become a little slower and more regular.

A calm presence

Sometimes, the most important support a child can receive is the calm presence of a parent. Traumatised children often find comfort through their relationship with their parent. The tone of voice, the rhythm of speech and physical closeness convey a sense of safety to the child on a deep level.

Even when they do not say much, a parent can convey a sense of safety simply by staying close to the child. The child needs to feel that they are not alone during difficult times. For many traumatised children, a parent’s calm presence is the most important form of reassurance.

When the techniques don’t work straight away

It is important for parents to know that grounding techniques do not always work straight away. Sometimes the child may remain agitated for a while, even when the parent is helping them. This does not mean that the parent is doing something wrong. Sometimes the child’s body needs more time to calm down. At such times, the most important thing is for the parent to remain calm and present. Even if the child does not calm down straight away, the parent’s presence helps to build a long-term sense of security.

Grounding is not just a method for difficult moments. Used repeatedly, it helps the child learn that emotions can be managed and that there are ways to calm down. Over time, the child begins to recognise more quickly when they are becoming overwhelmed and can learn to use some of these methods on their own. This process takes time, but every experience in which the child calms down with their parent’s help helps to build a sense of security.

Children who have experienced abuse or violence may have intense emotional reactions even when they are safe. These reactions are normal following trauma and do not mean that a child is overreacting or is too sensitive.

Grounding techniques can help parents support their child during difficult times. Observing their surroundings, using their sense of touch, connecting with their own body, breathing, and the parent’s calm presence can reduce tension and increase a sense of safety.

Over time, the child learns that emotions can be managed and that there are ways to calm down. This experience is an important step in the healing process.

References:

Bath, H. (2008). The three pillars of trauma-informed care. Reclaiming Children and Youth, 17(3), 17–21.

Briere, J., & Scott, C. (2015). Principles of trauma therapy: A guide to symptoms, evaluation, and treatment (2nd ed.). Sage Publications.

Article written by Diana Munteanu, clinical psychologist & psychotherapist, Barnahus Centre