Psychological counselling is more than just somewhere you go when you’re feeling down. It’s a space where you can learn about yourself, your emotions, how to look after yourself, and how to regain your confidence and sense of balance. Especially if you’ve been through a difficult situation – abuse, a loss, trauma or a very stressful period – counselling can help you stop feeling alone and start to heal.

In this article, you’ll discover what you can learn in psychological counselling, step by step, and why it’s so important to have the support of a psychologist when you need it. Here are some important things you can learn during counselling.

1. Recognising and understanding what you’re feeling
   Emotions are a way in which the body and mind try to communicate important things to us about how we’re feeling. Sometimes, especially after a painful experience, these emotions can seem confusing, frightening or overwhelming.

For example, you might feel a tightness in your chest and think that something is wrong, when in reality it is just fear. You might also have a lump in your throat and not understand why you feel like crying for no reason, when in fact your body is telling you that you are sad.

In counselling, you learn:

• to listen to your body and your emotions;
• to recognise the emotions in your body and name them: fear, anger, shame, sadness, guilt;
• to stop being afraid of what you feel, but to understand that all emotions are normal and serve a purpose.

These steps are very important, because emotions that are ignored or misunderstood can lead to anxiety, isolation or even physical pain. When you know what you’re feeling, you start to feel that you’re in control.

2. Talking at your own pace about what happened to you
Children and teenagers who have experienced abuse or trauma often feel they cannot tell anyone about it, or believe they will not be understood. They may feel shame, guilt or fear that they will not be believed. Or perhaps they simply cannot find the words.

In counselling:

• you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to;
• you can talk a little at a time, at your own pace;
• the psychologist won’t force you, judge you or put pressure on you.

Sometimes, you might start by drawing, playing a game or talking about someone else. Gradually, you’ll learn to trust, to feel heard and to stop carrying the whole burden on your own.

3. Setting boundaries and saying ‘no’
Unfortunately, many children haven’t learnt that they have the right to set their own boundaries. Perhaps this is because the adults around them haven’t respected those boundaries, have raised their voices at them, touched them without permission, or told them what they ‘must’ feel or how to behave in certain situations.

In counselling, you’ll learn that:

• you’re allowed to say ‘no’;
• you’re allowed to say ‘I don’t like that’, ‘I need some space’ or ‘I don’t want that’;
• you can refuse to talk about something when you’re not ready.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean being ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’, but looking after yourself. It’s a sign of love and respect for yourself.

4. Finding healthy ways to cope with difficult situations
After trauma, your body and mind react to protect themselves. You might become agitated, angry, withdrawn, or feel a sense of emptiness inside. You might shout, lash out, run away, or simply feel like disappearing.

Counselling helps you:

• to understand why you’re reacting this way;
• to discover methods that help you calm down: breathing, drawing, writing, music, movement;
• to learn that you can feel intense emotions without hurting yourself or others.

What once seemed like a jumble of thoughts and reactions is now starting to make sense. And there’s hope that things can get easier.

5. Understand that it’s not your fault
After an incident of abuse, all sorts of painful thoughts can arise, such as: ‘Maybe I did something wrong’ or ‘If I’d been more careful, it wouldn’t have happened’. There may be others too.

In counselling, you’ll learn that:

• abuse is never the child’s fault;
• the shame isn’t yours, but belongs to the person who hurt you;
• the way you reacted was a way of surviving.

You begin to understand that you are worthy of love, respect and care. You are not ‘broken’. You are not inferior to others.

6.Building a safe relationship with an adult
If you’ve had experiences where adults have let you down, ignored your distress or hurt you, it can be hard to trust again. In counselling, you have the chance to build, step by step, a relationship where you feel safe.

The psychologist:

• listens to you without criticising you;
• respects your pace and boundaries;
• doesn’t judge you or tell you what you ‘must’ do.

This relationship can be a starting point for building other safe relationships in your life – with your parents, teachers and friends.

7. Regaining your inner strength
Perhaps you’ve gone through a time when you felt you’d lost control, that you were small and powerless. Counselling helps you regain a sense of control, personal strength and dignity.

In counselling, you learn to say:

• ‘I can choose how I react’;
• ‘my body belongs to me’;
• ‘I want to look after myself’.

And these statements become increasingly true as you rediscover yourself, learn to love yourself and take action for your own well-being.

Psychological counselling is a journey. It is not an easy one, but it can change your life for the better. It is a form of care for the soul, a way of healing after something has been broken. If you are a child or teenager and have experienced abuse or trauma, you are not alone. There are people who can be there for you, and a psychologist is one of them.

Bibliography:

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2018). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bucharest: Curtea Veche Publishing.

Levine, P. A., & Kline, M. (2007). Trauma-Proofing Your Kids: A Parent’s Guide for Instilling Confidence, Joy and Resilience. North Atlantic Books.

National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN). (2023). Child Trauma Toolkit for Educators. https://www.nctsn.org/resources/child-trauma-toolkit-educators

Article written by Diana Munteanu, clinical psychologist & psychotherapist, Barnahus Centre