Relationships with significant adults are the primary setting in which a child learns essential things about themselves and the world: whether their feelings matter, whether they can ask for help, whether they can talk about difficult things, and whether they will be listened to when they need to be.

Adults often use certain phrases with good intentions: to reassure, to encourage or to correct behaviour. However, children do not always interpret these messages as intended. They hear the words through the filter of their age, their emotional development and the relationship they have with the adult.

It’s not about being perfect parents or analysing every sentence spoken to the child. Children need real relationships, not perfect ones. However, the way adults consistently respond to their emotions and needs helps build a fundamental sense that they can turn to a trusted adult when things get tough.

This sense of security becomes particularly important when a child faces difficult situations. A child who has experienced being listened to without judgement and supported without rejection will be better equipped to ask for help.

‘Stop crying, nothing’s happened!’

The adult’s intention:

Most of the time, the adult is trying to ease the child’s distress. It’s hard to see a child crying, and the natural impulse is to make the pain go away as quickly as possible. The intended message is: “You’re fine. You’re safe.”

What the child might hear:

Children do not assess situations through the lens of an adult’s experience and reasoning. For them, the emotion they’re feeling in that moment is real, even if the reason seems minor. When they frequently hear that ‘nothing’s happened’, some children may learn:

‘What I’m feeling isn’t important.’

‘My reactions are over the top.’

‘I’d better not show when I’m struggling.’

Over time, this can make a child less willing to share other difficult experiences.

What can help:

We can distinguish between acknowledging the emotion and validating the child’s interpretation. We don’t have to say ‘you’re right, it’s awful’, but we can respond differently:

‘I can see that’s upset you.’

‘I’m here with you.’

‘Let’s see what we can do.’

In this way, the child learns that emotions can be expressed and managed.

The child thus learns that emotions can be expressed and managed.

“You’re a big boy/girl, you don’t need to be afraid!”

The adult’s intention:

The adult wants to convey courage and confidence.

What the child might hear:

For the child, the message may become: ‘My fear is not accepted.’ Courage does not arise when fear is denied. Courage is built when the child discovers that they can get through a difficult situation even if they are afraid. A child who feels that certain emotions are wrong or unacceptable may start to hide them. And when emotions are hidden in minor situations, it can become more difficult to talk about them in major situations too.

What can help:

“I understand that you’re scared.”

“Let’s work out together what would help you.”

The message becomes: “You don’t have to deal with what you’re feeling on your own.”

“If you don’t behave, I’ll get angry/I’ll leave!”

The adult’s intention:

In moments of tiredness or frustration, adults try to set boundaries and stop inappropriate behaviour.

What the child might hear:

Children depend emotionally on the adults who are important to them. This relationship is their main source of security.

If the message is repeated frequently, the child may interpret it as: ‘The connection is lost when I make a mistake.’ This can lead to a tendency to hide behaviours, emotions or experiences for fear of disappointing others.

What can help:

Children need clear boundaries, but within a secure relationship.

‘I don’t agree with what you’ve done.’

‘I’m here to help you sort it out.’

The important message is: “The behaviour may be wrong, but the relationship remains secure.”

“Don’t overreact!”

The adult’s intention:

The adult is trying to help the child see things in a more balanced way.

What the child might hear:

When emotions are intense, the child does not yet have the same self-regulation skills as an adult. Before they can think logically, they need to feel safe. If they are corrected too quickly, the child may learn: ‘What I’m feeling is too much for others.’

What might help:

Connect first, then correct.

‘It seems like it’s really hard right now.’

‘Let’s take a deep breath and then find a solution.’

A child who receives support during difficult times gradually learns to offer that support to themselves.

‘Tell me the truth, I won’t get angry!’

The adult’s intention:

The adult wants honesty and openness.

What the child might hear:

For the child, the willingness to tell the truth depends not only on the promise made at that moment, but on repeated experiences they’ve had previously. The child wonders:

“What happens when I say something difficult?”

“Can they handle what I’m telling them?”

If, in minor situations, the child has been heavily criticised, shamed or punished, they may find it harder to confide in the adult in important situations.

What can help:

Building a relationship in which the child consistently experiences: ‘I can say difficult things and still be safe.’ This does not rule out consequences or boundaries, but it does mean maintaining the connection.

Adults’ words do not have to be perfect. Every parent has moments of tiredness, impatience or reactions they later regret. What really matters is the message conveyed time and again:

‘I’m listening to you.’

‘How you feel matters.’

‘You can come to me even when things are tough.’

Because a child who learns to talk about the little things is more likely to find their voice when it comes to the big things too.

Bibliography:

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2018). Your Child’s Brain. For You Publishing.

Article by Diana Munteanu, clinical psychologist & psychotherapist, Barnahus Centre