Have you ever felt like something wasn’t quite right, even though you didn’t know exactly why? Maybe someone got too close to you, and you felt like you wanted to take a step back. Maybe an older child or an adult told you to keep a secret that made you feel uneasy. Or maybe you simply had a strange feeling in your stomach, as if something inside you was telling you that you wanted to leave. If you’ve ever experienced moments like these, it’s important to know one thing: your body and your emotions are sometimes trying to protect you.

Our bodies are very smart. Even before your mind understands what’s happening, it can sense that something doesn’t feel safe. You might start to feel your heart beating faster, a pain in your stomach, the urge to cry, or the desire to run away. Other times, you might freeze up and not know what to do or say. All of these reactions are normal. They don’t mean you’re weak, scared, or weird. They mean your body is trying to take care of you and tell you that it’s worth paying attention to what’s happening.

From a young age, children are taught to be polite: to say hello, to say “thank you,” to share their toys, and to respect others. All of these are wonderful and important things. But there’s something even more important than politeness: your safety. If someone does or says something that scares you, makes you feel ashamed, sad, or anxious, you don’t have to go along with it just because you don’t want to upset that person.

Imagine that an adult insists on hugging you, even though you don’t want to. Or that someone keeps tickling you even after you’ve told them to stop. Maybe an older child tells you that you have to do something you don’t like and tries to convince you by saying that if you refuse, they won’t be your friend anymore. In all these situations, you have the right to say “No.” You can say: “I don’t want to,” “Please stop,” “I don’t like that,” or “I want to leave.” You don’t have to find the nicest words, and you don’t have to smile while you say them. When it comes to your safety, it’s okay to be firm.

Sometimes, people try to convince us by saying, “Come on, just a little!”, “Don’t be so shy!” or “It’s just a joke!” Even if others don’t understand why you feel uncomfortable, your feelings matter. It’s true that there are situations where we have to do things we don’t like, such as going to the doctor, getting a vaccine, or studying for a test. But when an adult is looking out for your health or safety, they should explain why it’s necessary and try to help you feel safe. This is very different from situations where someone asks you to do something that scares you or tells you not to tell anyone.

Some children are afraid that if they say “No,” adults will get angry with them or think they’re being naughty. But taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you’re being rude. It means you’re listening to your body and your emotions. Courage doesn’t mean not being afraid. Courage means doing something that helps keep you safe even when you’re afraid. And one of the bravest things a child can do is ask for help when they feel that something isn’t right.

Maybe you’re wondering right now, “But what if I’m not sure that what’s happening is wrong?” That’s a very good question. The truth is, you don’t have to be sure that something is dangerous to ask for help. Sometimes it’s enough to feel that something scares you, confuses you, or makes you feel unsafe. Our emotions are like a traffic light: when we feel calm and safe, it’s as if the light is green. When anxiety or confusion sets in, the light turns yellow and tells us to be careful. And when we’re really scared, want to run away, or someone is forcing us to do something we don’t want to do, it’s as if the light is red. In moments like these, it’s important to try to get out of that situation and ask for help.

Sometimes, people ask children to keep secrets. But not all secrets are the same. There are secrets that bring joy, like planning a surprise for someone’s birthday. These are kept only for a short time, and when they’re revealed, they make people happy. But there are also secrets that make children feel scared, ashamed, or guilty. If someone tells you not to tell anyone about something that makes you feel bad, or tells you that you’ll get in trouble if you speak up, it’s very important to tell an adult you trust. Secrets that hurt shouldn’t be kept.

Let’s imagine that Andrei, who is ten years old, receives some candy from a neighbor. Before leaving, the neighbor says to him with a smile, “Don’t tell your parents. It’s our secret.” At first, Andrei doesn’t know what to think, but he senses that something isn’t right. Even if he can’t explain why, that feeling is enough for him to tell his mom or dad what happened. It’s not his job to figure out why the adult wanted to keep it a secret. His role is simply to ask for help.

Sometimes, difficult situations also arise online. Maria receives a message from someone she doesn’t know. The person tells her she seems very nice and asks for a photo just for them. Maria doesn’t know who this person is and starts to feel uneasy. Instead of replying or sending the photo, she shows the message to a trusted adult. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. It means you’ve chosen to protect yourself.

Another time, Luca tells an adult that he doesn’t want to be tickled anymore. The adult laughs and keeps going, saying it’s just a game. Even if others laugh, Luca has the right to say again, “Stop!” His body belongs to him, and no one should touch him in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable after he’s said he doesn’t like it.

You might be wondering who you could ask for help. The good news is that there are many adults who want to protect children. You can talk to your mom, dad, grandparents, a teacher, the school counselor, a coach, or any other adult you trust. You don’t have to find the perfect words. You can simply say, “I’m scared,” “I don’t feel safe,” “Something happened and I want to tell you about it,” or even “I need help.” These words are enough for an adult to understand that you need support. Sometimes, children are afraid they won’t be believed. If this happens to you, it’s important not to give up. Talk to another trusted adult as well. Keep asking for help until someone listens to you. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. It means you’re looking out for yourself and that you deserve to be protected.

It’s just as important to know how you can help a friend. If a child tells you that something happened that scared them, listen carefully and thank them for trusting you. Don’t laugh at them or tell them they’re overreacting. Encourage them to talk to an adult as well. And if you’re afraid your friend isn’t safe, tell an adult yourself. Sometimes, asking for help for a friend is one of the kindest and bravest things you can do.

Maybe, after reading this article, you’re still wondering if you’d be able to recognize a situation where you need to ask for help. The truth is, you don’t have to know all the answers, nor do you have to figure out on your own if something is “serious enough.” Your role isn’t to solve adults’ problems or to figure out if someone has done something wrong. Your role is to take care of yourself and to tell adults when something scares you, makes you sad, or makes you feel unsafe.

Sometimes, children worry that they might be overreacting or that they’ve imagined what happened. Other times, they’re afraid that an adult will get mad at them or that they’ll cause problems in the family if they speak up. It’s natural to have these kinds of thoughts. Many children do. But it’s important to remember that adults are responsible for their own actions, not children. If an adult or an older child does something wrong, it’s not your fault, even if that person tries to convince you otherwise.

Someone might tell you, “If you tell anyone, no one will believe you.” Or: “Everyone will be mad at you.” Sometimes, words like these scare children and make them stay silent. But these are just attempts to stop you from asking for help. The truth is, there are many adults who want to protect children and listen to them carefully. That’s why, even if you’re afraid or embarrassed, it’s worth talking to an adult you trust.

There’s no perfect way to ask for help. You can tell them everything that happened, or you can just say that you need to talk to someone. You can talk face-to-face, write a note, send a message, or draw a picture of how you feel if you’re having trouble finding the words. The most important thing is not to keep what’s weighing on you to yourself. Difficult problems become easier to handle when you share them with an adult who wants to help you.

After you’ve shared something difficult, you might feel a lot of different emotions. Some children feel relieved because they no longer have to keep a secret to themselves. Others feel sad, scared, or worried about what will happen next. All of these feelings are normal. Sometimes it takes time for things to settle down and for you to feel safe again. The important thing is to remember that you don’t have to go through these moments alone.

It might help to imagine that you have an invisible backpack that you always carry with you. In it, you can put the things that help keep you safe: the courage to say “No,” trust in your own feelings, the name of an adult you can turn to at any time, your own voice, and the reminder that you deserve to be heard and protected. Whenever you feel scared or unsure, imagine opening that backpack and finding everything you need to take the first step toward getting help.

Before we wrap up, here are 5 important things to keep in mind:

1. Your emotions and your body are important. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s worth paying attention to.
2. You’re allowed to say “No” when someone does something that scares you, hurts you, or makes you feel uncomfortable.
3. You don’t have to keep secrets that make you feel afraid, ashamed, or guilty.
4. You have the right to ask for help from an adult you trust, and you can keep looking for help if the first adult doesn’t understand what you’re going through.
5. You’re not alone. There are people who want to listen to you, believe you, and help you.

Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you’re being naughty or doing something wrong. It means you respect yourself and listen to your emotions when they’re trying to protect you. Sometimes, the bravest thing a child can do is say, “I need help.” And when you take that step, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’ve chosen to take care of yourself, and that is an act of great courage.

Bibliography:

Barnahus Network. (2023). Barnahus Quality Standards: Guidance for Multidisciplinary and Interagency Response to Child Victims and Witnesses of Violence.

Article by Diana Munteanu, clinical psychologist & psychotherapist, Barnahus Center